User Friendly - Clifford T. Ward

Our Tara’s what people today would call 'user friendly'

She dunno when to say «no»

Her boyfriend, Rupert, 's in insurance

And thinks Ireland should be towed out into the Atlantic

And sunk

He’s got a drop of, what I would call, 'boozer friendly'.

He spewed up all over my Belouchi rug

And sobbed apologetically

Saying how he’d given ten pounds to Ethiopia

And bought Band Aid’s record

So I let him play with our Tara’s remote control unit

'Cause he found it to be very user friendly.

«Ain't you got a computer?», he says, «they're very useful»

«No», I says, «I ain’t»

«My bank manager’s very helpful"he says

«Is he», I says, «user-er friendly?»

«What about this new weapon the SAS have?"he says

«It fires fifteen rounds a second»

«Yeah», I says, «very user friendly».

«Thank Goodness the miners are back at work», he says

«We couldn’t have Scargill getting his way, could we?»

«Loser friendly, just about», I says,

«Never mind, let’s get Labour back in

They’re much more user friendly»

«What», he says, wiping vomit from his mouth

Fortunately, our Tara had finished cleaning up my rug

«Better take him home», I says

«He's done enough damage for one night:

Oh, and Tara, try and chose more carefully

Who you’d like to be sick at my place next time»

«Sorry», she says, and she meant it.

Boozer friendly.

(User friendly, user friendly,

User friendly, user friendly,

User friendly, user friendly)

(and fade).