Dream House - Dane Cook

Thinking about my future, start thinking about my dream

House. Gosh, can’t wait. Everybody’s got a dream house

The house of your dreams. You lay in bed, you dream

About it. All the fascinating items you’ll have one

Day, and it can be anything you want, dreamers

Anything. Maybe instead of hallways, you want canals

That you swim down. Maybe at the bottom of your cereal

Bowls you want mirrors so you can say hello to yourself

After you drink the milk. «Hello, me.» Dream it, you

Fucking dreamers. It’s your dream house. Maybe you

Flush the toilet, the toilet goes, «Thanks for shitting

In me. I enjoyed your shit.» Why not? It’s your house

I have my dream house, and here it is right here. I’ve

Always wanted a mystery house ever since i’ve been

Young. I’m gonna have it some day too. If i’m having a

Party, i want that giant bookshelf that i can go up to

And when no one’s looking, i pull the big green book

All of a sudden, i’m in a lab with bunson burners

Going. Elixirs and schematics. I don’t even know what

Schematics are, but i want them back there cause i know

Schematics belong in labs. I even love that creak. I’m

Not even gonna WD-40 the sound out. I want the

Ambiance. Little secret hallways that you have to run

Around like this. You never make secret hallways normal

Height so its convenient. They always have to be almost

Uncomfortable like, «why the fuck did i build them like

This?» Where’s my lab? Oh, i’ve always wanted to be

Able to look through pictures' eyes. I can’t wait to

Have the pictures with eyes so i can look out through

«Are they really enjoying my party?» and hope that no

One is standing in front of the picture going, «its a

Horse with an equestrian, but it looks like Dane’s

Eyes.» «OW!» «I just poked the horse’s eyes and it

Sounded like Dane getting poked in the eye.» «AHH!»

«Wouldn't you say its almost like Dane’s behind there

Looking through the horse’s eyes.» «AHH! Why am i still

Looking?!» «See? Dane!» In my mystery house, i don’t

Want guards, i don’t want 911 or alarms. I want trap

Doors that i will own and operate. And here’s the

Thing: I don’t have the trap doors. I don’t even have

The house yet, but i’m already excited at the

Possiblility of a bandit coming into my home to steal —

I get goosebumps. Look at this!- thinking about a

Bandit stealing so i can use my trap god-damn doors. I

Think i would be so excited that i would leave a path

Of expensive gadgets just strewn about in the street up

Into my house just to coax a bandit up inside. I would

Hide behind the pictures' eyes, and wait. With my

Schematics. I don’t think i could even wait to be

Robbed. I thinki would have to use my trap doors on

Family, friends, loved ones. I’d be too exicted. My

Girlfriend would be like, «you said you washed theses

Dishes a week ago and they’re starting to stink.»

«Actually what i said was --» «AHH!» «Yes. Now you’re

In a swamp three miles away. Hahaha.» That’s right. I

Gotta have a swamp too. Gotta have a swamp. Either a

Swamp, our a marsh full of marshmallows. MARSHmallows

That would be kind of funny too. Cause you’d be pissed

About the trap door, but if you land in marshmallows

You’d have to kind of be like, «Oh god. I landed in

Marshmallows. How mad can I be?»