TWO - Daniel Tosh

Now if you’re following me on Twitter you know i had diarrhea today.

Am i using that web site properly?

Sometimes I like to sit one the toilet reverse.. .

«we're listening…»

it nice right?

you can turn around, you can lean on the tank.

«I'm gonna be here for awhile…»

Yea, the people that are clapping right now are the ones that are like «ok,

all kidding aside he is a genius.»

No, no, no it’s the simplicity, i’ve been sitting on that thing my whole life,

and you’re telling me i can turn around, have a bowl of cereal, yea.

Set the alarm ten minutes later… MULTITASK.

Alright, nobody should eat while on the toilet.

«But i’m lactose intolerant, and i’ve always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins

with whole milk.»

It’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Somebody e-mailed me and they were like «Hey Dipshit»

Which for the record is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read

your e-mails.

Oh, let’s see what this nice fan has to say

You had me at hello.

Like «you know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet

backwards.

Touch’e

Alright, so i don’t research.

It’s a pre-shower shit, agreed?

Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail?

You ever have a post shower shit?

Awe, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over.

THINGS. ARE. WRONG. That’s not the order of events, there’s a glitch in the

matrix, this world’s not real.

MOM, Wipe me.

I recently started flat ironing my ball hair.

Come on ladies, you know how it is, if you have curly hair you just want

straight hair.

So now when people see my balls they’re like «oh my goodness, that looks really,

really good.»

Isnt that damaging to the hair?

And im like «yea, but what are you gonna do?»

I wish victoria beckham would knock it off with all the cute dues,

i can’t keep up.

My balls still have the '06 Posh

Remember that lil, trendy little cut?

Posh Spice!

Looks like my testicles.

Am i the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt?

I don’t know who’s in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before

one of them is out of their prime.

Can you imagine those two men together, making love?

If there is a man in here that’s junk doesn’t wiggle just a little bit,

at the thought of those two men together.

This has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference, at that level

it’s art you monkey, ok?

You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those greek gods.

Can you imagine if they had a child?

Was that Simba???

What the fuck, was that Simba?

That’s the Beckham-Pitt kid?

That’s Pitt cum?

The most beautiful child the world has ever seen.

Picture baby Jesus.. . with better abs.

That’s a good lookin' baby.

If they had a baby abercrombie store, they would hire him to work the front

door, right?

Just standing there, shirtless, propped up, he can’t stand yet. Just leaning

against the wall.

Think poster, big poster of himself, just standing there, little tight pampers.

And you’d walk in, and you’d be like «I dont wanna say this, but i wanna fuck

that baby.»

Oh man, do i wanna fuck that baby.

If i had three wishes, two of them would be to fuck that baby, and one would be

for more wishes.

Well you can’t do that.. .

Then i wanna fuck that baby a third time.

I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby

Go ahead dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn’t have a plausible

premise/

Oh, i’d love to read your e-mail.

«I felt you went over the line a bit, when you theoretically wanted to

fornicate with a mythical child.»

Heads up Mormons, this joke’s gonna sting.

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your

spam file.

Let’s not base your entire life on a religion that’s old enough for my dad to

be like «Oh yea, that’s not true… uh, that didn’t happen»

I don’t know why they’re wearing their pajamas under their clothes.

I assume their god wants them to be comfy.

The Mormon church spent 20 million dollars last year, in the state of

California, making sure queers didn’t legally get married, successfully i might

add.

So i guess we’re not as liberal as we all thought.

And this is what i say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of

gay marriage becoming legal.

Just because the state says its legal, it’s not like god’s gonna let them into

heaven.

Okay?

So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up

at the pearly gates just going