A Terrifying Terrorist - Jeff Dunham

Jeff: Good evening Achmed

Achmed: Good evening… Infidel

Jeff: So you’re a Terrorist?

Achmed: Yes… I am a Terrorist

Jeff: What kind of Terrorist?

Achmed: A terrifying… Terrorist

Achmed: Are you scared?

Jeff: Not really… No

Achmed: Harrr… And now?

Jeff: Not really, no

Achmed: Huhharrr… How bout now?

Jeff: No

Achmed: God Dammit… Oh Oh, I I mean uh, Ala Dammit

Achmed: silence! I kill you!

Jeff: So uh, Achmed…

Achmed: No no, it’s Achmed

Jeff: That’s what I said…

Achmed: No you said Ukned, it’s Achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch…

Silence! I kill you!

Jeff: How do’ya spell it?

Achmed: What?

Jeff: How do you spell you name?

Achmed: Oh-uh… Lets see an A… C… Flem… Silence! I kill you!

Jeff: So Achmed, if you’re a Terrorist… I would suppose you have some sort of

specialty

Achmed: Yesss… I am a Suicide Bomber

Jeff: Ahh… So you’re finished?

Achmed: What?

Jeff: yo-you've done your job?

Achmed: No I haven’t

Jeff: But you’re dead

Achmed: No I’m not, I feel fine!

Jeff: But you’re all bone

Achmed: It’s a flesh wound… Silence! I kill you! What the hell happened to my

feet? Son of a bitch? What the hell? Oh wait a minute… What tha hell?

What are you doin? Ok Stop it. Get off… What are you doing to me!

Stop touching me! I Kill you!

Jeff: Al’right just hold on we’ll fix this

Achmed: ok wait what are you doing… Holy crap I’m in the air…

Wait, wait, wait something is backward. Holy crap. I don’t know what I’m doin.

I need some ligaments

Jeff: Just sit still…

Achmed: ok… I wil not move my ass

Walter: You idiot you don’t have an ass

Achmed: Is that Walter?

Jeff: yea

Achmed: He scares the crap out of me! Please don’t put me back in the sinned

suitcase

Jeff: Why?

Achmed: He has gas…

Achmed: Sudan’s Mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart

Walter: Ah. Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha

Achmed: I-It's not funny… He will kill us!

Jeff: Al-right… Listen uh… Achmed… I have something to tell you

Achmed: What?

Jeff: You-you really are dead

Achmed: Are are you sure?

Jeff: Yes

Achmed: I just got my Flu shot

Jeff: You really are dead

Achmed: Wait. If I am dead… *Gasp… That means I get my 72 virgins *gasp…

Are you my virgins? I hope not

Jeff: Why?

Achmed: There’s a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there

Achmed: If this is paradise… I’ve been screwed!

Jeff: Well did they say it would only be, female, virgins?

Achmed: Holy Crap!

Achmed: Wait… I could have a Clay Aiken. Ahahahahahha. I told a jokech!

Jeff: Al’right so listen Achmed, so where did you come from?

Achmed: Your freaking suitcase. Ahahahahaha. I told another one

Jeff: heh, look if you’ve been in my suitcase all this time… How have you

been getting through security at the airports?

Achmed: Oh that’s easy, they open the case and I go «ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!

«haha… I-I told another Jokech! I can do this crap to’ch

Achmed: Ok, here’s another one… 2 Jews walk in a bar

Jeff: No, no

Achmed: What?

Jeff: no

Achmed: What, you don’t let Jews in your bar? You racist bastitd

Jeff: What I mean is I don’t want racist jokes in my act

Achmed: Oh-ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews?

Jeff: No

Achmed: I’m kidding, I would not kill the Jews… No! I would toss a penny

between them and watch them fight to the death! Ahahahhahaha! Yes-yes!

I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests then I tossed in a small boy!

Ahahahahaha. Haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson

Jeff: youughhh!

Achmed: Ahahahaha

Jeff: Achmed

Achmed: what?

Jeff: Stop doing this

Achmed: What?

Jeff: You can’t tell jokes like that

Achmed: Why not? I’m killing so to speak

Jeff: Well you can’t tell jokes like that

Achmed: Why?

Jeff: It offends people

Achmed: Oh I’m dead what do I care? What do you want me to do…

Knock-knock jokesch?

Jeff: That would probably be better

Achmed: Ok, Knock-knock…

Jeff: Whose there?

Achmed: Me! I kill you

Jeff: So look, as a suicide bomber have you had training?

Achmed: Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp

Jeff: Ah, is that a nice facility?

Achmed: It used to be

Jeff: What happened?

Achmed: New guy… The idiot tried to practice!

Jeff: And what did you guys learn from that?

Achmed: location, location, location

Jeff: So you guys have any kind of motto?

Achmed: Like what?

Jeff: You know like, «We are looking for a few good men

Achmed: Were looking for some idiots with no future

Jeff: So where do you get your recruits?

Achmed: The suicide Hotline. Ahahahha… That was dark was it not?

Jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you?

Achmed: Hah?

Jeff: What happened?

Achmed: Oh, if you must know. I am a horrible suicide bomber!

Jeff: What happened?

Achmed: I had a preimature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it

went off in 4 seconds!

Achmed: You know what that’s like right? Mr. Hurrrriiccaanne…

Walter: ahahahhahahahaha

Jeff: So achmed, what exactly happened to you?

Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone

Jeff: yea

Achmed: Can you hear me now… Cunk. At first I thought it was because I went

over my minutes

Jeff: That’s too bad

Achmed: It’s ok I took that Verizon bastard with me

Jeff: So-uh, what’s it like to die? Do you see a white light?

Achmed: If you’re dumb enough to watch the explosion… Yes

Jeff: No, I mean when some people die they see a white light. What did you see?

Achmed: I saw flying car parts…

Jeff: What was the last thing that went through you’re mind?

Achmed: My ass. Ahahahhaha. Walter told me to tell that jokech

Jeff: So you never saw a white light?

Achmed: No, but I saw a Blue creais. Do you really have one of those vehicles?

Jeff: Yes

Achmed: Ahahahhahahah! Ohh! That is not a car that’s a lunch box

Achmed: Did you know when you’re going down the highway in a creais that if you

put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn

Jeff: You did all of this for a bunch of virgins?

Achmed: Are you kidding me? I’d kill you for a klondik bar

Jeff: So I guess you’re Muslim?

Achmed: I don’t think so

Jeff: You’re not Muslim?

Achmed: No

Jeff: Why?

Achmed: Look on my Ass, It says made in China

Achmed: Walter says I’m just a stinkin' Halloween decoration. Ahahhahaha

Jeff: So do you like being in D. C?

Achmed: I think some idiots must live there

Jeff: Why?

Achmed: For example, the Washington monument

Jeff: Yes?

Achmed: It looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to Bill

Clinton. Ahhahahhaha

Jeff: What do ya think of Bush?

Achmed: Ohhhhhhh, I love Buhh, Oh! You mean the president? I’m sorry